September 2007

Steelers Fans Have More Fun.

There I said it. Sorry but it’s the plain, ugly truth. It’s just no fun being a Browns fan (except, of course, for those tail-gate parties). I’m not going to even try to figure out why our team continually disappoints us (In case you don’t know, our beloved Browns lost last Sunday to Pittsburgh AGAIN. Oh how we suffer!).

Granted they did put on a valiant effort, and should be applauded for that, but turns out it was just a...

mean, mean tease. I’d be more forgiving if it wasn’t such a common occurrence but geeze.

All I’ll say about that is, if our own job performance record was this bad, we’d all be standing in unemployment lines, and living on Spam (wait, does anyone really eat that anymore? Let’s change that to plain old pork and beans. You can live on pork and beans).

But the GOOD NEWS is:

Sales of hard liquor in Ohio has hit a new record high this year, keeping many people, like bar owners and liquor salesmen employed. Still, some wonder why the increase, particularly in Cleveland.

Okkaaay, now let’s review: The Indians. The Browns. And our beloved LeBron James wearing a Yankees cap during the ALDS playoffs IN Cleveland. Man, that was just plain mean….

And people wonder why we drink??!!

But getting back to good news - many of us apparently make enough money to actually afford the top shelf spirits, such as Grey Goose vodka, Crown Royal whiskey and high buck martinis, which were the biggest factor in the record sales. But the BEST news is that we baby boomers have nearly forgotten what Ripple Wine tastes like! Now THAT’S something to celebrate!

Cheers!

More Record Breakers

It’s a fact that two-thirds of Americans are overweight. And it appears, according to one poll, that most of them live in Cleveland (why do we only get on the negative lists?)

Well, one thing for sure, drinking all that liquor, and those Starbuck’s Lattes, and eating drive-through burgers on your way to a ball game where your team is sure to lose, are bound to show its effects. Especially for us baby boomers who are in that “middle-age spread” stage.

But some of us are losing weight, and that would be my newly buff and trimmer husband, Jeff, who has lost 20 pounds (in three months! Feel free to hate him). And while I’m thrilled that he’s now healthier and easier to hug, it makes me mad that he has done it with such ease! (Though if you ask him, it was “sooo hard”)

When we women want to lose weight, we have to live on those tasteless card-board patties (Senior Moment: What are those called again?), and drink “lots of water” and give Jenny Craig all our income.

Men? They drop pounds as easily as Paris Hilton slips in and out of jail.

Then to add insult to injury, Jeff says—ever so smugly—“You just have to eat less and be more active.” Don’t you just want to slap him, girls??

Still, I have to congratulate my husband for finally listening to me. Now, if he’d just quit smoking! I know, I know, one vice at a time…

Question of the Month:

Why don’t dogs give themselves baths like cats do? The other day, our daughter brought Cody (see Blog entry below) all dirty and smelly from romping in a nearby pond. She then ran off to work, leaving me to give this now-55 pound animal a bath.

So I roll up my pant legs, hop in the tub and ask Cody, politely, to join me. “Come on boy, let’s get a bath, it’ll be FUN!”

His eyes said, “Lady, have you been dipping into that Grey Goose again?”

I then proceed to pull up his big front paws while still being polite, “Cody, come on, it’s not so bad.”

And Viola! It works. He steps into he tub, albeit reluctantly.

That is, for 2.1 seconds, upon which time—and while the shower is spurting out—he decides to jump ship. He’s out of the bathtub and slippin’ and sliddin’ all over the wet, wet floor. I reach over to catch him before he escapes, but slip myself and the sprayer thingy takes flight like a helicopter and everything in the bathroom, walls included, gets cleaned.

Except for Cody. Who stands there all dumb-like, staring at me, full of innocence.

Me—a woman who normally takes pride in her healthy sense of humor—is NOT HAPPY.

And did I get any help at all from my newly fit husband? Nooo, he is laughing, laughing so hard outside the door that he later tells me he finally had to run to the garage so I wouldn’t hear him (or is that kill him?). I believe he’s still in there. . . .

One thing for sure, I will NEVER, repeat NEVER give a dog a bath so long as we both shall live. SO HELP ME GOD.

One More Question:

How is it that one poll says only 25% of Americans read books, when just last year, the Book Industry Study Group reported 3.1 BILLION book sales?

It can’t be my purchases alone, (though if you ask Jeff, he’d say it’s pretty close).

My times up, folks, so till next time, don’t eat or drink too much, and instead of trying to give a dog a bath, soak in the tub surrounded by bubble bath and candles, and read a good book.

Sounds good to me. . . .